gyno horrorshow

Hey, look. I’m quoted in Women’s Heath Magazine!

Some other fun things that are cervix adjacent:

I used to consider myself to have a pretty high tolerance for pain. That was before I had my IUD placed. IUD pain varies on a person-to-person basis; before I got mine placed I’d read a bunch of accounts that it was all wham-bam-thank-you-doctor, no biggie. Not so, for me. It was hands down probably the most painful experience of my life. I used to get really bad cramps as a teenibopper. As in, head-to-desk, moaning-like-I’m-being-murdered-in-the-middle-of-AP World History bad. (I have vivid memories of this, and probably so does my AP World History teacher.) I’m currently reading Cunt: A Declaration of Independence by Inga Muscio. In it she writes that menstrual pain was only recognized as actual physical pain and not “all in our heads” in the…70’s, I wanna say? (I’m at work, and unfortunately I don’t have the book in its pretty blue cover beaming up at me. It’d cause some questions/maybe get me fired.) I wish I could say this shocked me, but I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if it was later. Fuck that.

I also used to have all these grand ideas about how, when I had kids (and it used to be a when, now it’s a highly dubious if, sorry Mom) I would give birth in a big squishy pool with a hippie doula who would help me commune with the goddess as I accomplished this ~most womanly~ of all life experiences. (Which, let’s be clear — having kids is cool and great, and so are squishy pools and hippie doulas, and I’m deeply impressed by women who decide to do it, but making it the Pinnacle of Womanhood is generally pretty fucked up and also I wanna say somewhat transphobic?)

This goal was in conjunction with my plan to tattoo the phases of the moon in navy ink over my vulva. Let’s just say The Mists of Avalon had a really strong impact on me as a kid, okay? It still kinda sounds like a nice idea, in keeping with the slight (endearing) woo-wooness of Cunt.

ANYWAY, IUD pain changed all that. I guess the title of this blog post could be How I Decided I’m Most Likely Not Gonna Have Kids. If I wasn’t already developing a pretty staunchly childfree-by-choice position for myself due to holy wow children are expensive, the IUD-insertion pain sealed the deal. That, and the fact that I read a bunch of truly horrifying birth stories, let me know that I am in fact far too much of a wimp to ever get pregnant (did you know that a fetus LEECHES CALCIUM FROM YOUR BONES? and UNHINGES YOUR PELVIS?) or experience birth.

I’m pretty cool with my wimpitude. I’m better built to be the Cool Aunt, anyways.

 

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